Well the HCG was resoundingly negative so no repeat. Follow up with my dr's in 2 weeks. After I spoke with the nurse I was checking my email and voicemail obsessively till I figured out that I was hoping for a message telling me I am still pregnant after all.
Back to work tomorrow. I was able to take three days off which was so helpful butI can't take any more time. I don't know that it is going to get any easier with any more time, anyway. I am thinking I just have to get through it each day, by day.
From my bike rides through the parks I have figured out that it really, really, really hurts to see pregnant women and little tiny babies. I cancelled a get together I had planned with a mom of a 3 week old today because I didn't want to hang out with a baby. I figured I have to face it tomorrow but at least I will be kept busy. To just sit and chat with a mom and baby would probably be a little rough, right now.
On Sunday and again today I ran into former patients, both of whom flagged me down while I was riding my bike. One was this really awesome sweet couple that I worked with for three days on breastfeeding and they were able to tell me that it was still working and they had gotten off the nipple shield.
The other couple that flagged me down stood out in my memory as being one of my most emotionally difficult families I ever worked with as it was very obvious that he was quite controlling and almost certainly physically abusive towards her but she wouldn't admit it. Her mother had come to me crying about her during her hospital stay and begged me to help her daughter because she knew that her boyfriend beat her up because she always had bruises that she covered up with makeup.
Her baby had some physical anomalies and also ended up being delivered prematurely due to the placenta abrupting (possibly due to abuse).
So they pulled over and asked if I was a nurse at my hospital and if I worked in Maternity to which I said yes. They then said I had been their nurse and I was so shocked as I instantly recognized them and remembered how worried I had been for the girl. I said all the nice things I normally say when I run into a family in public and I asked them three or four times if they, meaning the parents, were doing okay to which the girl always said yes. She didn't have any bruises that I could see and the baby looked beautiful, though I could see her disfigurements.
I also had some contact with another family I had worked with in the hospital. To run into families so much in a couple of days is really unusual for me. That's what makes me think there is something fateful about it. Am I supposed to feel better about losing my baby because I have been able to help other babies and their families? Is it a message that I don't get to have anymore kids of my own because I am needed to help with other babies? I do not accept that, by the way, but that is what I am afraid of.
Or is it just a coinky-dink and nothing more?
Back to work tomorrow. I was able to take three days off which was so helpful butI can't take any more time. I don't know that it is going to get any easier with any more time, anyway. I am thinking I just have to get through it each day, by day.
From my bike rides through the parks I have figured out that it really, really, really hurts to see pregnant women and little tiny babies. I cancelled a get together I had planned with a mom of a 3 week old today because I didn't want to hang out with a baby. I figured I have to face it tomorrow but at least I will be kept busy. To just sit and chat with a mom and baby would probably be a little rough, right now.
On Sunday and again today I ran into former patients, both of whom flagged me down while I was riding my bike. One was this really awesome sweet couple that I worked with for three days on breastfeeding and they were able to tell me that it was still working and they had gotten off the nipple shield.
The other couple that flagged me down stood out in my memory as being one of my most emotionally difficult families I ever worked with as it was very obvious that he was quite controlling and almost certainly physically abusive towards her but she wouldn't admit it. Her mother had come to me crying about her during her hospital stay and begged me to help her daughter because she knew that her boyfriend beat her up because she always had bruises that she covered up with makeup.
Her baby had some physical anomalies and also ended up being delivered prematurely due to the placenta abrupting (possibly due to abuse).
So they pulled over and asked if I was a nurse at my hospital and if I worked in Maternity to which I said yes. They then said I had been their nurse and I was so shocked as I instantly recognized them and remembered how worried I had been for the girl. I said all the nice things I normally say when I run into a family in public and I asked them three or four times if they, meaning the parents, were doing okay to which the girl always said yes. She didn't have any bruises that I could see and the baby looked beautiful, though I could see her disfigurements.
I also had some contact with another family I had worked with in the hospital. To run into families so much in a couple of days is really unusual for me. That's what makes me think there is something fateful about it. Am I supposed to feel better about losing my baby because I have been able to help other babies and their families? Is it a message that I don't get to have anymore kids of my own because I am needed to help with other babies? I do not accept that, by the way, but that is what I am afraid of.
Or is it just a coinky-dink and nothing more?
posted by KatyM @ 8:23 PM
1 Comments:
At 7:55 PM,
Anne said…
Well, shite! I don't check your blog in a while and I totally miss stuff!
I'm so sorry. I know that you of all people will believe me when I say that I know what it's like to not want to be around women and babies. Pregnant women who were due when I was were especially hard.
I miss you. But I'm sending a cyber-hug.
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