Insomnia and a return to blogging....
Had a patient tonight who has to decide whether or not to have surgery on her probably-going-to-die-anyway baby. Cried with her. Cried some more for her and me after I got home. I am on my second beer since 0300 since I am reasoning that it is far too late now at 4:15am to take a sleeping pill. But beer should be okay.
I was thinking I was totally getting past this miscarriage thing. I have been not pregnant now for longer than I knew that I was. Maybe today was so tough cuz yesterday was so great.
Ry and I dropped the kids with my folks and went to a bar and saw my cousin's fiance's band play and drank newcastles and my cousin and I danced (ry wouldn't). We haven't done anything like that in a very long time and while we were there, with the music blaring and feeling all cool since we knew the band, I didn't feel like a mom, grieving or otherwise. And I really enjoyed it for the time it lasted.
I guess that is why it was such a pain when the kids acted all spoiled and crabby after I got them from my folks today. And that's why I started bawling the minute I got to work and someone asked me how I was. The little reprieve from all the difficulties and pain of parenthood seemed to make them feel all the more acute today.
Shit... that's not how date night is supposed to work, is it?
Signing off, buzzed, with a headache, but still probably not able to sleep...
Had a patient tonight who has to decide whether or not to have surgery on her probably-going-to-die-anyway baby. Cried with her. Cried some more for her and me after I got home. I am on my second beer since 0300 since I am reasoning that it is far too late now at 4:15am to take a sleeping pill. But beer should be okay.
I was thinking I was totally getting past this miscarriage thing. I have been not pregnant now for longer than I knew that I was. Maybe today was so tough cuz yesterday was so great.
Ry and I dropped the kids with my folks and went to a bar and saw my cousin's fiance's band play and drank newcastles and my cousin and I danced (ry wouldn't). We haven't done anything like that in a very long time and while we were there, with the music blaring and feeling all cool since we knew the band, I didn't feel like a mom, grieving or otherwise. And I really enjoyed it for the time it lasted.
I guess that is why it was such a pain when the kids acted all spoiled and crabby after I got them from my folks today. And that's why I started bawling the minute I got to work and someone asked me how I was. The little reprieve from all the difficulties and pain of parenthood seemed to make them feel all the more acute today.
Shit... that's not how date night is supposed to work, is it?
Signing off, buzzed, with a headache, but still probably not able to sleep...
posted by KatyM @ 2:08 AM
2 Comments:
At 10:28 AM,
Spryte said…
Katie- so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Four years ago I had a miscarriage TWO days after I learned I was pg. I felt like shit for months. I am really sorry for you pain and will be thinking of you. Hugs!
At 6:06 PM,
Anne said…
Katy, you probably know this, but it doesn't matter how long you knew. When I got pregnant with Sarah I was mad. I wasn't trying to get pregnant. I was trying to avoid pregnancy. The next day I started bleeding and thought I was miscarrying. I freaked out. You know the heartbreaking end of the story. It didn't matter how long or short the time was. She was my baby. I don't think I'll ever stop missing her. I don't think there will ever be a time that something doesn't trigger her memory. Miscarriage is a loss, plain and simple. And you are allowed to mourn for as long as you need to.
Anytime you want to get together and have a beer, I'm totally up for it. I gotta babysitter. {hugs}
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