Insomnia and a return to blogging....
Had a patient tonight who has to decide whether or not to have surgery on her probably-going-to-die-anyway baby. Cried with her. Cried some more for her and me after I got home. I am on my second beer since 0300 since I am reasoning that it is far too late now at 4:15am to take a sleeping pill. But beer should be okay.
I was thinking I was totally getting past this miscarriage thing. I have been not pregnant now for longer than I knew that I was. Maybe today was so tough cuz yesterday was so great.
Ry and I dropped the kids with my folks and went to a bar and saw my cousin's fiance's band play and drank newcastles and my cousin and I danced (ry wouldn't). We haven't done anything like that in a very long time and while we were there, with the music blaring and feeling all cool since we knew the band, I didn't feel like a mom, grieving or otherwise. And I really enjoyed it for the time it lasted.
I guess that is why it was such a pain when the kids acted all spoiled and crabby after I got them from my folks today. And that's why I started bawling the minute I got to work and someone asked me how I was. The little reprieve from all the difficulties and pain of parenthood seemed to make them feel all the more acute today.
Shit... that's not how date night is supposed to work, is it?
Signing off, buzzed, with a headache, but still probably not able to sleep...

Well the HCG was resoundingly negative so no repeat. Follow up with my dr's in 2 weeks. After I spoke with the nurse I was checking my email and voicemail obsessively till I figured out that I was hoping for a message telling me I am still pregnant after all.
Back to work tomorrow. I was able to take three days off which was so helpful butI can't take any more time. I don't know that it is going to get any easier with any more time, anyway. I am thinking I just have to get through it each day, by day.
From my bike rides through the parks I have figured out that it really, really, really hurts to see pregnant women and little tiny babies. I cancelled a get together I had planned with a mom of a 3 week old today because I didn't want to hang out with a baby. I figured I have to face it tomorrow but at least I will be kept busy. To just sit and chat with a mom and baby would probably be a little rough, right now.

On Sunday and again today I ran into former patients, both of whom flagged me down while I was riding my bike. One was this really awesome sweet couple that I worked with for three days on breastfeeding and they were able to tell me that it was still working and they had gotten off the nipple shield.
The other couple that flagged me down stood out in my memory as being one of my most emotionally difficult families I ever worked with as it was very obvious that he was quite controlling and almost certainly physically abusive towards her but she wouldn't admit it. Her mother had come to me crying about her during her hospital stay and begged me to help her daughter because she knew that her boyfriend beat her up because she always had bruises that she covered up with makeup.
Her baby had some physical anomalies and also ended up being delivered prematurely due to the placenta abrupting (possibly due to abuse).
So they pulled over and asked if I was a nurse at my hospital and if I worked in Maternity to which I said yes. They then said I had been their nurse and I was so shocked as I instantly recognized them and remembered how worried I had been for the girl. I said all the nice things I normally say when I run into a family in public and I asked them three or four times if they, meaning the parents, were doing okay to which the girl always said yes. She didn't have any bruises that I could see and the baby looked beautiful, though I could see her disfigurements.
I also had some contact with another family I had worked with in the hospital. To run into families so much in a couple of days is really unusual for me. That's what makes me think there is something fateful about it. Am I supposed to feel better about losing my baby because I have been able to help other babies and their families? Is it a message that I don't get to have anymore kids of my own because I am needed to help with other babies? I do not accept that, by the way, but that is what I am afraid of.
Or is it just a coinky-dink and nothing more?

Ugh, I hate to complain about something that is giving me a bit of hope, but I think it is destined to drive me psychotic.
2 days before I miscarried I stopped feeling pregnant: the sore boobs, the nausea, all gone.
In the middle of my grieving, wailing and crying two days ago I noticed I was slightly nauseated and that my previously superhuman olfactories had turned themselves back on. That, combined with what I did not consider to be enough bleeding were all it took for me to start wondering...
Am I still pregnant?????
My breasts are slightly tender today and I am slightly nauseated. It is not the lay on the bathroom floor type of nausea, nor do I feel the need for a steel plated bra, so I am questioning if this is all in my mind.
I had a beta hcg drawn at my OB yesterday and I will hear today about the results. If it is low, as it should be following a miscarriage that will be the end of it, but if it is high enough to make us suspect that the pregnancy is still viable, I will have it repeated to see if the numbers are indeed climbing.
Off to Dr. Google to find out what numbers I should be hoping for...

Please disregard previous post. I have had a miscarriage. God, I hate typing that.

************Newsflash***********

Expecting baby #4 sometime in late February.